Lessons from Elements of Style - Part 3

It’s time for part three in the Elements of Style series!  If this is your first time here, here’s Part 1 and Part 2.

Picture of Colorado Snow

This one, I think, goes hand in hand with the previous one.  Mostly because there is some confusion about passive voice and there are some misconceptions concerning what passive voice is.  But I think it’s because these two rules are so similar.  When a person uses a helping verb (eg had) it doesn’t mean that the phrase is passive.  It just means its non-committal.

Here’s some examples of noncommittal phrases:

John began to sit down.

John was thinking about ice cream.

John almost ate the ice cream.

All of these sentences don’t quite commit to anything.  Did he actually sit down or did he just begin to?  Almost?  Why didn’t he?  By choosing stronger verbs and less helping verbs, our writing becomes committed.

John sat down.

John thought about ice cream.

John decided not to eat the ice cream. 

Non-committal language can also be found in the form of using the easy way out.  Now I’m not saying we should use five syllable words whenever we can.  Let’s not overwhelm our readers and force them to go to the dictionary as they’re reading.  But there is a difference between looking and gazing.  There’s a difference between angry and incensed. 

By using stronger words, we’re better able to key in on the real emotion, thought or idea we want to convey.   Here’s an example from my Red WIP where I compare my first paragraph from an earlier draft and the draft I just finished.

First:

Larzo’s tail swished in the air.  Beneath his padded paws, the ground felt hard, and although he kept moving south, he didn’t move as quickly as he had the day before.  There was something different in the air; he could almost taste it on his tongue.  He kept his ears alert while scanning the forest grounds and his whiskers almost quivered with expectation.

Now:

Larzo paused and raised his nose into the air. Something seeped into his nostrils, drawing him past the thick trunk of a hemlock. He crept along the ground, scanning the foliage. A new stench mixed in amid the familiar green scent of the shrubs and the bitter bark. Blood, ale and something else he could not immediately place. Garlic?

In the first paragraph, the ground felt hard.  Well, what does that mean?  Feel is one of those noncommittal words.  If it felt hard, it would be better for me to show it by him reacting to it, not just feeling it.  Something.  Something is another noncommittal word.  Something was different?  Different from what?

In the second paragraph, I tried to hone in on what it was he was experiencing and feeling.  Just naming the tree makes me (and I hope the reader) feel more grounded in the surroundings.  Any thoughts?  Does this one pull you in?

This is your writing!  So why not commit?  Get rid of those pesky helping verbs and use strong, colorful words to get the point across!  I’ll work on it if you will!

Stay in your Character's Head

Growing up, I was a fairly naïve person.  I never understood sarcasm.  In fact, my friends and family used a made up hand motion to let me know when they weren’t being serious.  And sometimes they still have to use it.

Not only was I naïve, but I was also fairly unobservant.  And I never realize how much my naivety and unobservant nature affected my worldview until I went looking for apartments in Spain.  My boyfriend (now husband) went with me because he wanted to be sure I chose a safe neighborhood.

We went to a specific apartment in an area known as ‘Gran Via.’  Literally known as the Great Way.  It was a bustling main street full of theatres, ballet companies, plazas, restaurants – anything to keep a person occupied.  The apartment I was looking at was rented by a family I met at church and it was on one of the side road connecting to this main street.  They had an extra room available for me to stay in.

Me in Gran Via

I remember walking down the alleyway.  My first impression was that there was a lot of construction being done.  Part of the street had been torn up, and it had rained the night before, spreading mud all over everything.  When we got to the apartment, the room was on the 5^th floor, and there wasn’t an elevator.

“Okay,” I thought, “So I have to walk a little extra.  Exercise isn’t bad.”

Then we got into the apartment itself.  The room was small, but I had my own clothesline.  Definitely a plus from where I’d been staying before.  There were a few cons to the situation (one being the very energetic ten year old that ran around the main room screaming) but I definitely saw more positives than negatives.  It was in a central location, I got along with the family and the room was decent for the price.

When I told my boyfriend that I was considering accepting their offer, I was surprised by his response.

“Even with the prostitutes downstairs?”

Prostitutes?  What prostitutes?

You see, while I was noticing the construction and the mud, he was noticing the scantily clad women handing out condoms.  Where I saw my own clothesline, he was noticing the bright flashing light outside the window welcoming clients.

We were in the same place and we saw the same exact things.  But what we noticed very different things.  I was looking at comfort while he was looking for safety.  He knew I often came home late at night, and he didn’t want me to get myself into a dangerous situation.  And for those of you wondering, I decided to live somewhere else.

With that in mind, I try to always write a scene within a character’s point of view.  Would they pay attention to majestic buildings of the flies buzzing around the road kill in front of it?  Would they admire the cleanliness of the kitchen or notice the smell of pie coming from the oven?  What small details are important to your character?  When focusing on voice, it’s important to remember that it’s the character telling the story, and we need to stay within their head to remain consistent.

Looking Back on the Journey

This week, I finished the revisions to the Orphans of Jadox, which has been quite an experience.  This draft has been an adventure, and I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly it was that made it such an emotional adventure.  I think in a large part, it had to do with the fact that I’ve started to interact and meet with other writers.  Having a community is an amazing boost when I suddenly start to wonder if what I’m thinking or experiencing is normal.  I’ve loved getting to know all of you!

When I finally finished, I really just sat there, overwhelmed by the feeling of finishing.  It was very different from any other time that I’ve done it.  First off, I had butterflies in my stomach for days because of the excitement, trepidation and everything in between. Second off, I knew that it was the best I’d ever created.

My characters’ journey is over, at least for the time being.  But as they took their journey, I’ve taken one of my own, and I’ve spent the past few days looking at where I started. 

Writing has always been an important part of my life.  I wrote my first novel in high school.  (After a numerous amount of unfinished first chapters and half-novels).  At that point, I was convinced everything I’d written was gold.  I remember asking my dad to read something I’d written and getting offended when he offered suggestions on how to fix it.  Editing and revising were probably the furthest things from my mind.

But when I started college, I put it away.  I thought I had to grow up.  I went out and lived life to the fullest.  I studied in a foreign country for two years, learned a new language, made new friends, met a wonderful man and got married.  But that didn’t mean my life was perfect.  In fact, a few months after marriage, we ran into several difficulties that pulled me down.  I was depressed, stressed and having panic attacks at least once a week.  Goals that I’d always had – education, career, family – seemed almost impossible. 

It was at that time that I found my writing notebook.  And that inexplicable need to write was the only thing that kept me going.  I had to escape what I was experiencing, and writing was the portal. I could live vicariously through my characters’ lives and experience their triumphs with them.  For six months, I meticulously went through my novel.  After living so much more of life, I saw it through a different light.  I saw the errors, how flat my characters were.  I rewrote it, even changing it from 1^st to 3^rd person. 

Then, as if by chance, I met my first beta online.  I sent her my first chapter and she tore it apart and made me cry.  And that’s when the magic started to happen.  After a few weeks, I realized that I was a writer.  I had the chance to prove that what I was doing was worthwhile.  And the only way to do that is to accept criticism, build on it and learn where my weaknesses lie. 

Only after I realized what writing really was – hard work and dedication – did the burst of creativity happen.  I may take my time to put myself out there, but I’ve never regretted it.  Just like my characters, I needed to stumble and fail before I could rise to the challenge.  I needed something to fight for. 

Reading through my first draft of the Orphans of Jadox, I’m really struck by how much has changed in the past two years since I wrote it.  And I’m so grateful for those who’ve helped me in this journey.  For all of those who rooted for me, and even those who tried to put me down, I want to say thank you.  I couldn’t do this alone.  

Lessons from Elements of Style - Part 2

Thank you all for your positive responses to my Elements of Style series!  I really appreciate all of your comments.  If you didn’t get a chance to read part one, here’s the link.

This week’s quote is one that I feel I have a pretty good handle on. 

Direct and vigorous.  Now those are two words that I would love someone to use when describing my writing. 

The difference between active and passive voice really clicked for me when I became a nurse.  It’s one of my responsibilities to record everything that happens to each one of my patients.  There are multiple reasons for that.  One is to communicate with other nurses, therapists, doctors, etc what is going on with the patients.  Another is to keep record of anything out of the ordinary that might happen.  A third is to cover myself if I ever get accused of anything by the patient or a family member.

But when charting, I’m not allowed to use anyone’s names, or refer to myself.  A lot of it has to do with legality, but it also has to do with subjectiveness vs objectiveness.  It forces me to remove my own personal feelings and focus only on exactly what happens.

Here’s an example of a VERY HYPOTHETICAL situation vs how I would chart it.

Real situation (active)

Let’s say that I walk into a patient’s room (we’ll call her Krista.)  She tells me that her stomach hurts and that she wants something for diarrhea.    I decide that before I give her a medication, I want to see if it’s something more serious.  So then I feel her abdomen, testing to see if there’s a specific area that hurts more than others.  She starts yelling because it hurts after I press the lower right area of her abdomen.  I check her vital signs and notice her temperature is a little high.  I’m concerned that this could be appendicitis.  So I call the doctor and get an order to send her to the hospital.

Now here’s the passive/nursing charting version (passive):

Patient complained of pain at approx. 1930, requested PRN medication for diarrhea.  Abdomen was palpated and rebound pain noted in the right lower quadrant.  Pain radiating to lower extremities and to back.  Vital signs were checked and temperature was 100.3.  Dr. Smith called and order to send patient to hospital was received.  Resident left facility at 2000.

See where although I did all of the actions, I’m not mentioned once in the charting?  When I do something, I change the sentence around so that the patient is receiving the action, but I don’t state that I’m the one doing it. Active is when something is acting.  Passive is when it's being acted upon.

Active: I palpated her abdomen and noted that she had rebound pain.

Passive: Abdomen was palpated and noted to have rebound pain.

Whenever I have a question about active vs passive, I just ask myself: Do I sound like I’m trying to write out legal documentation?

How about you?  Do you have difficulties with active v passive voice?  What do you look for to make your writing direct and vigorous?

Fantasy Cliches

Recently, I’ve been reading a lot of posts and comments made where people have said that fantasy has become old and clichéd.  It’s always the same – the dragons, the elves, the epic battles and magic, or maybe vampire sand werewolves.  They’ve lamented that there’s never anything new in fantasy.

I disagree.  I honestly can’t remember the last fantasy I’ve read with dragons.  Probably Eragon, several years ago, when I was stranded in Newark Airport for a day and a half.  We all know the popular or well-known mainstream fantasies.  And the complaints reminded me of something I’d found years ago – Something called the Fantasy Novelist’s Exam.  Check it out.  If you want a chuckle, this is what you’re been looking for.  http://www.rinkworks.com/fnovel/

Though it is funny to read the entire list of clichés in fantasy writing, there’s still some truth in it.  How many of us have come to expect something from this list, just because it’s fantasy?

The trick is to avoid the cliché.

Does every story have to have magical creatures, epic battles or wizards?  No.

I posed this question in a fantasy writer’s community, and I was surprised by the quick and insightful thoughts.  I was told that if someone is only finding these kinds of stories, they’re looking in the wrong place.  Fantasy is anything that has an element that doesn’t exist in our reality.  I write fantasy, and I have the tendency to minimalize the fantastical parts so that they almost seem a part of everyday life. 

Every reader will find their own unique niche.  There are so many options available and all we need to look.

What clichés are you tired of?  Not just in fantasy, but in books in general? 

The End

I feel like I’m facing several endings right now.  Of course, obviously, there’s the end of the year, which is hurtling toward us.  And I’ve made several goals which I wanted to complete by the new year, which means that I’ve got to get moving! 

One of my goals was finishing the revision to my Red WIP before November.  That way the month of November can be completely dedicated to NaNoWriMo (my first year to participate!). 

I think I’ll finish.  I’ve already revised seventeen chapters, and I have three more, plus a short epilogue.  And those chapters are pretty well written, if I do say so myself. 

Yesterday, I revised the climax of the story.  Unfortunately, it was a bit of a muddled mess, but I’m pleased with the way that it turned out.  I love stretching what my characters can endure and pile even more on when they think it’s getting easier.   Or maybe I just enjoy watching them overcome their trials.  I love knowing where they started and where they’re headed.

It did take me a few days to begin working on it, mostly because when I finish the climax, it means that I’m getting close to the end.  And yes, in a way that’s good.  I’ll have completed my goal.  I’ll have time to do a final read-through for typos before sending it out to the final round of betas. 

So what makes the ending so hard? 

It feels like I’m saying goodbye.  We’ve been on this long journey together (one we’ve had several times before), and each time, these characters become even more real.  I love spending my days thinking about their lives, what they need to do and what they need to experience to grow.  It’s a constant companionship that’s about to end. 

Of course, it won’t end exactly.  My NaNoWriMo novel is a companion novel, so they’ll be in there.  But it won’t be the same.  They’ll be secondary characters, making rare, cameo appearances while I get to know someone new.

I know that many writers celebrate the moment when they can write “The End,” but I always have mixed feelings.  There’s always that sense of accomplishment, but also a sense of loss.

I feel the same way when I finish reading a book that I love.  Once that final page turns, there’s no more.  They go on with their lives while I go on with mine.  Maybe I just have separation issues.

How about you?  How do you say goodbye to characters?

Lessons from Elements of Style - Part 1

I’ve only taken one creative writing class.  That was years back in junior high when my schedule opened up for one semester and I was able to indulge my creative interests.  My teacher was at that time a published writer (though she used a pen name, so I don’t know what books she published).  And she felt that the most important thing for us as new writers was to read the Elements of Style written by Strunk and White.  We had specific phrases we had to learn and memorize for tests.

I’ve just pulled out the notes that I took for that class.  (Yes, I kept them) and I’ve been reviewing them again.  I’m amazed by how appropriate each phrase is, and I’ve decided to dedicate each Wednesday of the month of October expanding on each one.

Today, we’re going to start with the one that always comes screaming into my head whenever I think of the Elements of Style.

Quote taken from Elements of Style

I can’t tell you how many times we had to repeat this phrase during class.  This was my teacher’s one motto.

 

Specific to the General

When I think of this part, I think of telling vs showing.  You may have a character that you tell the reader ‘has proven himself to be trustworthy.’  How specific is that?  Does that give the reader a definite idea of who he is?  In what has he proven himself trustworthy?  Get specific.  Take a moment to describe a specific moment when he’d proven this.  Was there a time when he’d been asked to keep a secret and he’d lost his best friend because he’d kept it?  If I tell you one of my characters is naïve, wouldn’t it be easier to believe if she says something in a situation that makes it obvious that she doesn’t understand what’s going on? 

Definite to the Vague

This is the area that I struggle with the most.  I tend to be vague with descriptions, and I’m never quite sure when I need to use more.  It’s something I’ve been working on, and I feel as though I’ve improved quite a bit in the past few months.  It’s not a matter of describing every single little detail within the scene.  It’s a matter of determining which details help move the scene forward or pinpoint the personality of your characters. 

For example.  I had a character stand up.  But that was a bit vague.  Here’s what I ended up writing:

He accepted Brednon’s help, wincing when the joints in his legs resisted. This human form was becoming more cumbersome. If he wasn’t careful, he might lose his ability to remain useful to the king.

With just a short, definite description, I was able to convey that not only is he growing older, he’s also worried about how long he’ll be useful in his position.

Concrete to the Abstract

Along the lines of the ones before, this I believe, has to do with concepts and ideas.  If you’re telling a reader that a character’s afraid, then maybe you should expand on that.  Afraid, angry, uncomfortable, any of these feelings could be considered abstract.  Dig deeper.  Find the why.  Find out what it is about the situation, the person or whatever they’re facing that makes them feel how they do.  Focus on the reactions, the physical actions that show the emotions.  Focus on the concrete, rather than the abstract.

How do you make sure you write with the specific, definite and concrete?  What lessons have you learned while writing?